He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize