My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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