I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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