Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
This toilet bowl is my home.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
