What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
