Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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