My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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