I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
