I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
