That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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