Me. At least after what I've been through.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
