After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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