Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
