We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I checked into jail on foursquare
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
