Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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