he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
