; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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