Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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