Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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