Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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