His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
