The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
ttyl tear gas
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
