If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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