You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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