I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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