of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
