i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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