This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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