She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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