I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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