I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
