My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
