So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
