Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
