just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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