I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
