just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
