Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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