Just fell off a train. Bad.
I want to have your abortion
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I wear drunk well.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
