Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
