I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
