So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
