Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
