Kiss
Puke
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my shit smells like andre
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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