Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
