So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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