I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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