I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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