So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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