He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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