I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
