Me too!
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
This is classic penis vs brain.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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