i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Your cock deserves a montage
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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