sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
