I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
