So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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