Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
