First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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