Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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