I am in a vortex of obligation.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
