Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
