nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
