Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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