but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
did you just send me my own nude
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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