i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
