I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
